“Skinny-fat”

I was perusing old pictures from last summer in Vegas and I started thinking, “Man, I need to get back on that gym-rat regime.” I was always the “chubby” one growing up with the group of friends I had but they never teased me or accepted when anyone did, so I wasn’t really insecure for external reasons.

It was always internal. I felt inadequate because all my friends were the “average” size. When we went shopping they never had to look for sizes because they fit whichever one they chose. My friends were confident to show who they were and that included what they looked like. They were comfortable in their bodies. I was the opposite of that.

When it was “acceptable” I tried dieting, working out with a personal trainer, all of those options that are deemed okay when you’re only in high school, to lose weight. It was when I decided that it wasn’t because I wanted to lose weight but because I wanted to get healthier. I quit the gym and started working out at home. I needed to motivate myself, to teach myself that I could do something just because I knew I wanted to do it for myself.

I lost 60 lbs. in a couple months and I only loved how healthy I felt. I slept better, the foods that I cut out of my diet no longer sat well when I indulged, and the bonus was that I no longer cared about the sizes in clothes when I went shopping. The compliments I got were — I’ll admit — reinforcing but they weren’t the drive I needed to keep going. I loved wearing clothes and I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin so I can show how the pride in my style.

I’m sure everyone’s heard of “relationship weight,” that, in a nutshell, is what I’ve come to deem the little extra chub. But I’m not sad or mad about it. I’m in a relationship that makes me happy. But I’m also going to try and be in a healthy one for my own sake, once more. I want to continue to feel and on top of it, look good for me. My S.O. will just get the perk of having all of me.

Cheers!

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