It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m sitting in Starbucks going over the days events because I’m procrastinating and would rather do something I ignore during the day over doing my stats revisions.
The last couple days have been dark and full of rain in the small town of Winnipeg and surprisingly, I haven’t minded the down pour a little. I always felt it was fitting to my most recent waves of moods. The time has flown by since August which in my mind was the end of the rest of my summer. Finishing up summer employment then rushing into school priorities and further employment was something that couldn’t wait. Unfortunately for me.
It’s the middle of September now and I find myself with bouts of pulling my hair out in my mind + staring out into any blank space I can find at the time. It hasn’t been an easy couple weeks but as always I am trooping through it.
I am constantly staring at blank pages of where I should be writing for the blog I contribute for, I have notes that I take quick glances at as I open another tab to search my name, and to top it all off, I have the numerous tabs of jobs that I find myself interested in but can’t seem to apply for any until my mac decides to close down all my tabs for program updates.
Am I stuck in a rut? I think I’ve been digging myself into what was once a small hole that fit me perfectly and now it has turned into black space that slowly has gravity working on its side.
What am I doing? Every morning, I now wake up wondering how the day will be. I stretch my limbs as far as they can go, due to the previous days’ workout, and I fall flat limp once more. Then I pull up the covers over my head and I just lay there.. I lay there until my brain tells me that I’m being a sad sack and this is stupid.
I’m coming to realize that I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of where I’m going. I’m afraid of where I should have been by now. I’m completely and utterly terrified of the one person I trusted and they took it and stomped on it and kicked it away, like it was toilet paper stuck on their shoe.
Fear is a grand thing. Fear drives me to want more, do more, better things that I have yet to discover about myself and the world I have decided to live in. Fear encompasses me and keeps me shivering like a child and I only wish the sun would set as soon as it rises everyday. Fear is my strength and my greatest weakness.