Confessions

Evening ladies and gentlemen. Thursday today? I still have to ask because I have lost tracking my days, I can only really tell what day it is if I have work or class or any other appointment that requires me to leave my bed that day. How’s my day been thus far? Not too bad I suppose. I slept in, headed to campus, and now I’m procrastinating productively. By that I mean that I have once more decided that I am well prepared for the current class that I have undertaken and the online classes that I am hoping to beef up my CV need a lot more love.

That covers the academic part of my life. Now to the mental and physical aspects. Wait, what was that? Physical? I am sad to say that I have been a tad lacking in that area. I know my mental health isn’t to blame but I do understand that it makes up a grand part of influence towards how I am on a daily basis. My mental health has fallen down and cannot seem to find its legs again. I am bogged down with future plans, present plans; I’m inserting an exasperated sigh here because it’s warranted. My head space is filled with worries and solutions that I’m trying to figure out if they’re worth giving a try. I can feel my poor body attending to my sickly self in the best way it can but I can tell that it isn’t going to last much longer.

How do you move past being stuck in a rut? In a place where you feel lost and tired and a dark and dank space would be the greatest thing in the world at the moment? It’s becoming a difficult thing to deal with when I have self-diagnosed myself with the perfectionist trait (after attending a conference focused on this in a psychology talk) but not the kind you would think. I am a self-proclaimed Type-A but I am a perfectionist in that I constantly need to make sure everyone else around me is taken care of before I even consider myself and my needs or wants. This may sound great to those lucky ones I have bestowed this upon in my life but it comes with my demise at times. I’m not complaining, as it may seem that way, but I do grow tired of it sometimes as I am well aware I do this to myself. I love and cherish those who I have chosen to keep in my life but I do sometimes wish that they understand they can unconsciously take advantage of my kind nature and turn into a child when they find that I am not allowing them to get their way.

This trait is adding on to the many things that I have on my plate that slowly make me feel like I need to handle and take care of it all on my own. Why would I want others to worry about my worries, when I am well aware of theirs because they have all personally told me of them?

It’s a tougher part of my life right now. At 24, I hear a lot of how young I am, how I have my whole life ahead of me. I agree. I do, but.. I know that’s also a part of how incredibly stubborn I can be but a lot of the advice I get come from people that appear, at least to me, to have their shit together. I’m not saying that I feel like I’m being judged but when I’m being told this over and over again, I begin to think that I may be missing something. Am I?

I know that there are things in life that allow us to grow and become stronger, depending on how we react towards them. Sometimes, I had hopes that it was easier said than done and that was understood. I’m trying.

This is one of the few times I’m asking everyone to see how hard I’m trying.

Cheers.

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