I had originally started writing a post describing my slow progress to moping about when NYE comes around then I decided against it. It’s the third day into the year and I find myself surprisingly hopeful. I know, new year, I should be hopeful. If you guys have been following my posts, the last couple months last year were definitely ones I wish I could forget. But what’s done is done and I need to change something because I truly want to be happy this year.
I’ve never been one to try New Year resolutions because I knew myself better than that. I knew that if I really wanted to change something about myself, I would do it on my own accord, on my own time. I started to consider maybe a list of sorts, like my bucket list, to try crossing things off to find some sense of accomplishment or direction. I’m still considering it. I had a bucket list, now it’s hidden away somewhere with the rest of my notebooks and in some weird way I felt that it was almost hindering because when I looked through it and the things I wanted to do weren’t accomplished yet, I felt defeated. Or I would continue to look back and wish things were done differently or worse I would picture myself aging and not feeling like I really got to do any of the things I wanted to with the time I lived.
The past year, 2014, was definitely one for the books. I decided to take myself out of my comfort zone, one that I believe might have gone differently under certain circumstances and it could have saved one of the most important relationships I had, but I don’t regret it. I left a job that I worked so hard for because I stopped waking up every day to thoughts that it wasn’t work. I realized I had strength that I didn’t know I had. I was hit in the back of the head with the reminder that the people I was given in this life are my happily ever after. I was reminded this many times this past year because I had hit a time in my life where I was forced to feel pain like I never thought I’d have to feel. At least not the way the events occurred to make me feel it. Unfortunately for me, I had to go through this near the end of the year, so it was rough trying to get through the last few months on a good note. One of the most important things I took away from the hurt was that I was never alone. That from the time I had to accept what happened to the time I needed to understand whether or not it was worth it, I always had the ones I’m so lucky to call my family. The people who got me through it all.
What am I hoping for in the new year? I want to live it with a smile on my face that doesn’t feel forced. One that doesn’t feel like I’m hiding all the things that I’m really feeling because I keep telling myself I chose this life, that no one else put me here. I will have to put sacrifices towards a lot of things that I want with this year but I also know those sacrifices will bring to me to new opportunities and amazing adventures. I want to make the grand effort to put myself first this time around because I know when those who love me know that I’m doing ok, they’ll breathe a little easier too. 2015 is just beginning and I’m looking forward to taking it one day at a time.
Cheers to yours and the New Year, everyone!