It’s hard to believe it’s already four days into 2015. As I decided to clean the apartment, I also decided to go try out my old playlist site 8tracks because I felt nostalgic. I was also folding laundry in the bedroom that was essentially my old bedroom from my parents’ place so that definitely added to the need.
Listening to artists like Bon Iver, The Cinematic Orchestra, Band of Horses, James Vincent McMorrow.. I’m still playing the playlists. I’ve gone all the way back to when I was still in university as a full-time student, when it was the in between time of spring and summer and one of my close friends and I would insist on sitting outside on the benches because it was so sunny outside (if you live in Winnipeg, you’d understand the illusion between temperature and how it looks outside), and times when I would just sit in my bedroom enjoying the music and hearing the rustle of my family around the house. It’s one of those Sundays.
As the new year begins again because holidays are over and school’s close to returning in session, I find myself anxious. I look at my list for Edmonton every time I’m on my laptop. Simple reminders that I actually have things to do that are so important to me it scares me to think that I won’t be able to accomplish this goal. I keep pacing in my mind because I have this odd emotion that I’m forgetting something. Sometimes I feel like life is moving around me and I’ve lost myself because I just sit here and watch it. The unknown can be so discomforting sometimes. But I remind myself that that discomfort is what will show me who I am; what I don’t like, what I do like, who needs to go, and who I’ll fight to have them stay.
I think today might be one of those days where I’m going to remind myself about a lot of things. Things that I miss and can only think about as my past. Things that I need to do because I’ve decided that I have a future that I’m shaping and that even though it’s terrifying at times, I’m dancing in my head from excitement. Things that will always pop its ugly head up at the worst of times but that’s something that is just part of who I’ve become.
Looking back is never thought of as a good thing. You look back and you miss it or you wish that some of the things you could have done differently, you know the “should have, would have, could have”s. I am guilty of all these things too but I think if someone decided to never look back they wouldn’t have a sense of pride to who they became, to who they are today. I want to understand who I was and who I am becoming so I can decide who I am.
So music triggers the writer in me again. I miss the days where I wrote whenever I had something to write.
Enjoy your Sunday everyone.