When Letting Go Hurts Less Than Holding On

Dating is hard. First there’s the long process of finding someone (or them find you!) and then there’s the even longer length of work needed to keep the relationship going. But what’s the worst thing about dating? Falling in love. Yes, falling in love may be the worst thing that could happen to you. This is when all the feelings start to feel stronger, your judgement may get clouded with all the thoughts of the other person, and all you can do when you’re with the other person is yell inside your head. “I LOVE YOU!” but you don’t want to say it before them because that’s just crazy.

The relationship starts to grow and you spend more time with this person who has made you feel vulnerable and safe all at once. You both start to feel comfortable in each other’s company that you both begin to do things that become a “couple’s thing.” You are each other’s plus one’s; you bring him around to meet the friends, and he brings you around to meet the family. You text each other when you wake up and theirs is last voice you hear before you go to sleep. When you look at them and you wonder what life was like before they were in it. You didn’t know that you’d say you love them while looking across the room with the cheesiest smile on your face, when your friends ask who this new special person is in your life.

As time goes on, life feels great. You couldn’t ask for more because this honeymoon phase feels like it’s never going to end. So what happens when you get your heart broken? When the deed was bigger than just a fight and making up after. What do you do when all you can feel is the pain, hurt, and confusion that you never thought you’d feel because to you they were different. As a couple, you guys were special. Where do you go from here?

As I write this, sadly, I’m living this post. I felt that pain. I felt my heart ripped from my chest so fast, I didn’t realize I couldn’t breathe anymore because all I saw was black. I had so many questions that I didn’t want answered because it wouldn’t have mattered anyway but I kept asking. I asked why. All I wanted to know was why. Why this would happen, why I am still here, why he decided to do what he did, why i believe anything that comes out of his mouth,.. the questions go on and on. I couldn’t see straight, I couldn’t think straight; I couldn’t move because the seething fire of hell hurt so much. What did I do? What would happen if the events didn’t happen the way they did, would I still be the fool in thinking that our relationship and the “love” was all the same? I wanted to stop life because I felt my entire world crumbling. The pieces of my heart, the whole being of who I was felt like it was broken and they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.

I already know what you’re thinking, that this post is about how I was brave enough to let go and since that decision I’ve never looked back. This is how I’m telling you that it was the best thing that I ever did. That it does get better.

I don’t know who to apologize to here, you or myself.

I can’t tell you how it feels to leave someone who did something so cruel. Who for more than a split second decided that they didn’t love you long enough to make the decision that they can hurt you. I chose to stay with the person who thought, if they didn’t get caught, she would never know and it would never hurt her.

This is how I tell you how I came to realize that the person who put me through pain they chose to do to me was not the one who can fix my broken heart. Despite how much I wanted them to. This is where I tell you, you need to understand that as much as letting go may be just as painful, it will likely be more, this is something that you need to do. Keeping ties to someone that put you through so much pain doesn’t know how you feel, they don’t know what you go through everyday, they never will; all those emotions and thoughts and thinking you’re crazy about one too many different things in your relationship isn’t worth it. The trust is gone – sometimes you can get it back – most times you won’t want it back. Staying will hurt you more.

I looked at my friends, who are my family, to tell me what to do. To show me the way of living life again after what needs to be done. One of my best friends told me, “Listen to to your head and not your heart. You don’t need affirmation from anyone else, only you.” I know I can’t tell you that it’s going to get better and I’m already telling you that you need to do this because if you don’t, life will feel like it’s standing still, in that exact moment where your heart turned black. But taking this first step will be the beginning of feeling happy again. You will feel happy again. And after all of this, all of what you’ve gone through, you deserve nothing less.

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