Standing Still

I passed my one month of work yesterday! I know it may seem a little weird that I’m wanting to celebrate one month of work but this job opportunity has been one of the greatest things that has happened to me in months.

Side note: I have been listening to so many different podcasts (it started because I saw a couple to elevate creativity and the ones I’ve been listening to started suggesting other ones and well..) at work. The focus it creates with my work has been amazing. I’ll share a couple at the end of this post!

I came home today and all I wanted to do was sleep. I love coming home to a feeling of doing a hard days work and just crashing into myself after it all.

“Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself at night. After all, that’s how galaxies are made.” 

I’ve missed being a part of the world. I’ve missed feeling proud of myself because I did something that I earned; I did it by myself, for myself. Not having that feeling is difficult, especially for me.

Sometimes, I find myself feeling like I’m watching myself and trying to reach out but I can’t yell loud enough or run fast enough to get to me and it’s very unnerving. I want to tell myself so many things, so many questions to be asked, and I’m not given a chance to do so. So I stand there and watch.

I start to ask myself if I’m happy. If how I’ve decided to live is really the way I want to continue living it. If I’m really living life.

Then I remember how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown. I will admit that sometimes I need reassurances from my loved ones, sometimes I need a good peptalk from a really good podcast but I embrace that now. I’m proud to be able to ask for help, to tell someone that I’m feeling vulnerable. I am left reminded that I need to continue striving to better myself; that I shouldn’t look to compare myself to other people because no one else has done the things I’ve done nor will they do what I will do.

Lately, all the podcasts I’ve been listening to have left me contemplating a lot of aspects of my life but they don’t scare my anymore, instead they leave me feeling challenged. A challenge that I’m excited to take on, one that will make me a better person, grow a little bit more.

Sometimes, it’s hard growing up because of all the things you begin to realize and all the things you begin to discover. But they’re such beautiful things sometimes and if you stress yourself out over all the little things that go wrong and you make them bigger, you’ll miss all the grand events that are put right at your feet.

One of the podcasts I was listening to told their audience that people who smile are happier. If you can smile at someone who looks at you instead of making a different face, you can share that happiness and not even know it. So I started smiling while sitting at my desk doing my work. Time went by, I was focused, and I smiled every time a coworker came around. The day felt different. It was really nice.

I know how it feels when you feel like you’re running in circles and I also know how it feels when all you can do it stand and watch yourself live life and wonder if that’s how you want to be living it. You know what I’m going to advise? Smile. Just try it; if it doesn’t work, leave me a comment.

Cheers.

Ps. Here are a list (SOME) of the podcasts I’m currently listening to whenever I can let the rest of the world spin on it’s own a little bit:

All Songs Considered
Ask Me Another
Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!
The Wolf Den
Pop Culture Happy Hour
Planet Money
Ted Radio Hour
Invisibilia
HBR Ideacast

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