Head Space

This past weekend was one of the worst times I’ve been so lost in my head.

I can be the typical introvert – I need my space, I need time to think, being alone is so comforting, and I want it often. But I’m also the atypical introvert – I love hanging out with my friends, I can make up my mind about something immediately if I think I should, and I really don’t need time to myself all the time.

I have such trouble with myself after I’ve realized that I’ve been in my head for a long period of time. I get stuck there and I really don’t care about who I’m with or where I am. These are the moments where I can be misconstrued as so many emotions and reactions because I can’t express, appropriately, what’s happening to me. When this is what I’m going through, I need to go through it. If I don’t, I lose what I should have fixed or at least ran circles around in my head and that isn’t good for me or anyone else. What’s worse is that in these moments, my thoughts go on and on. I go from one thing to another without really thinking anything through. I jump to conclusions, my emotions are so fickle, and I don’t know how to end something so it makes me feel like it’s become better again.

Remember where I said that I don’t care about who I’m with? Yeah, that’s one of the most unfortunate things that I put my loved ones through. The ones who I’ve come to call family know how to handle this, they know how to pull me out of it, and most of the time they know when they just have to leave it alone because I know when I can’t handle it anymore, I go to them for help.

This weekend, I did this. To someone who I’ve only been lucky enough to know for a short(er) time and I had no idea I’d feel the way I do at this point with him. I did this and it almost made him rethink everything. And now… I am finding myself crawling back in that space and thinking about what’s happened the past couple days and I don’t see this ending the way I wish it would.

I know what I’ve gone through that hurt me and I let it hurt me for so long that i’m guarded now. But I also know that being guarded isn’t a bad thing if I can still let myself feel all the good things but understand when it isn’t worth it if I feel like I’m the only one who is trying. If I’m the one who cares more and that isn’t reciprocated.

Different levels.

Maybe, this is an example of the best situation with bad timing.

Friday vibes, boys and girls.

Cheers.

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