It’s the end of July which also means that I’ve had almost an entire month to “settle” back into the city. And I keep telling myself that it’s been “fine,” that I just need to find a job that I can fall into and I’ll be okay again.
I miss my city. I needed to get out of this city; I grew out of it and I did it. I knew what I wanted for myself and that’s where I went. The impact this makes on everyone is very different on each person. And I’m realizing that for the first time, I’ve been homesick about a place and my wanderlust was okay. I wasn’t physically sick if I didn’t go anywhere; I was home and comfortable and I was okay with all of that.
I’m still trying to work this all out and I really, really, really missed all my friends and family here. But I had no idea how much I missed being alone and that independence. Being out in this big city and loving someone from afar and only knowing that is making for adjustments here. Every day. I don’t really like routine and for anyone who knows me really well can tell you how much that’s true but when I got up every morning in Edmonton, I only had trouble getting up because work had me getting up so early. I’d go to work and love it. And sure, like any job, some days had me staring at the clock and counting down the last couple minutes before it was the end of the work day. But I always, always, loved going home. I had a little bit over a year where going to work was my solace (aside from the people being some of the most amazing people I was so lucky to work with) and I really didn’t like going home. It was the worst feeling to have to drag my feet and wish I was somewhere else when I was really tired after a long day and I couldn’t count on having my apartment as a place I could just crawl under and let that all go for a little while. And I know if I had moved out on my own in this city, I probably would have had the same experience I had in Edmonton – I loved walking into my apartment with the exact same way I left it and I would just kick off my shoes and take my time getting comfortable, the way I wanted to be comfortable. But because I had all of that in Edmonton, all on my own, it has that special piece of my heart.
I got out of here, on my own terms, when I wanted, and all because I gave myself a deadline and I told myself if I don’t do it now, when would I be given that chance again? I can’t go backwards. As much as this may be a new adventure for me, I’m reconsidering how selfish I need to be and where life wants me to be and if I’m really willing to understand the chances and risks that I’ve already taken and trump the ones that I wish I could take now.
There’s lots of thoughts, kids. I need to settle them and I need whatever it is that gets me to jump feet first, to come around sooner than later. I’m giving myself a deadline again and this one is coming a lot closer than I want it to.
Be gentle to yourselves.